Saturday, 2 December 2017

Will I ever 'Accept' 2017, and move on?


I am writing almost after 7-8 months on this blog, and I am absolutely unapologetic about it.  For me this blog is reflection of my personal pages of life. I do not blog to kill the time, I write what i feel, and I blog because I love to, it’s like a personal journal where keep track of activities with kids, other like minded moms, learn new things and share my experiences.

The year 2016 was so good to believe that everything in my life was falling in place whether it’s my work, my kids or my personal life… I was very much content, and as the year 2017 was fast approaching I was all set for new year and it’ new set of life goals and career priorities.

Unknowingly I started challenging and stimulating the year 2017 to Bring it on! And trust me everytime when I ask from universe it will take pretty long time or won't even consider my requests. But maybe this time the law of attraction wanted to work for my wishes to come true in the year 2017 i.e offering me the most toughest and difficult year to deal with... challenges for the year which is yet to come kick started with a wrong note and the poignancy is still there… And thus the year 2017 struck a wrong note a the very beginning, followed by my mom’s sudden demise.

She was 60 and I am in early 30s. It was a complete shock not only for me and my family but also for every person she met in her including casual acquaintances. It was difficult to believe that how can such a lively, energetic, cheerful and dynamic personality is no more. Trust me nothing prepared me for this loss, not even in my darkest nightmare, I never thought that she wouldn’t be with me any more.

Waking up every morning, getting back to office work, taking care of 5 yr old is very painful but what kept me away from grieving was my 4 months old pregnancy. I had curtail my emotions so that a new life coming to our world in 2017 is happy and healthy child. A mother creates a special space in her child’s heart, and i wanted to do same by gifting my second a healthy and happy life.

I don’t want to sound dramatic, but by making an effort to have happy pregnancy, I couldn’t make space to grief enough for my Mom. It’s very easy for someone very close to you, your colleague or even an acquaint friend to ask you not to stress, don't cry, be strong we know you are strong blah blahh… but it’ easier said than done. Sharing my pregnancy journey with her or my elders one’s new milestone was left untold, incomplete.

I am happy that she parted her soul without any qualms or pain, having beaming smile on her face. Just the way she led her life, where her soul effortless touched everyone’s life and keeping her alive in every conversation we have about her. She was way too generous, compassionate and a happiest person i’ve ever met. But knowing all this doesn’t make it easy for me to accept the fact that she is no more. For me losing becomes everytime difficult when my daughter misses her, when she plays the same games taught by naani or when my two months old baby rolls-over for the first time.

In the following months of my mom’s death, I succumbed myself into lots and lots of office work, and managed myself to at least look normal and pretend happy person. I went to office, strolling with friends down the street, going for shopping, satisfying my pregnancy cravings. I somehow managed to look like a normal person. But I was in grief, and not ok at all. I am writing this post so that I release some burden of grief, yet get back to normal as happy mommy of two.

Will I ever accept the fact that my mother is gone? I know I will, and get going! I know it will take time but I’ve decided to count all good things of the year 2017 and gear up for positive 2018.

Every week i’ll write my blog on good things happen in 2017. Let me make my Mom feel proud by being happy mom to twos at least can aim to be a  ½ a percent like her. What do you all say? Please share your advice for me to kickstart 2018 positively.

-xoxo
Nidhi

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